The Big Ugly

Ohhhhh, I’m seeing a pattern. An ugly pattern. I’m not talking giant white and orange daisies on a brown double-knit polyester jumper – although I think that’s probably back in style, what do I know? No, I’m talking about a pattern I attended to earlier in the year, one that affected me pretty much every day. I’m talking about the Big Ugly: Booze.

And as it was months ago, here I am: Working to remember all of the details of the previous evening for the umpteenth time since my little unexpected stopover. What time did I go to bed, I wonder as I search my phone for clues. Did I talk to someone or send some obnoxious text, as drunks are prone to doing? And, no joke: Dude, where’s my car?

It’s been a slow realization of this re-emerging pattern, mostly because somewhere in my psyche I understand that acknowledgment means I need to pull myself back, reign it all in, gain some control. Read: Stop drinking.

I’m grateful for this little bump in my travels that has landed me back home – for several reasons, not the least of which is a loving home where I feel welcomed and the ability to spontaneously pull shifts at the bar. Still, I’m finding myself digging in again, considering long-term working and living conditions that root me in a life right back where I started. And while that may in the end actually be the result after all my trippin’? I’ve still got more to do, more to see, and much more to be. I’m just not done yet.

So, here I go, getting back on track. Time for some plan making, goal setting, list creating. My complaisant nature notwithstanding, I’ve done a fair job of being somewhat selfish this year when it comes to me taking care of me. I set my expectations pretty high, and when things took a dramatic turn, I tucked my tail and just came on home. I’m thankful for that – I’ve reset, earned some money, paid some bills. And, I’ve been able to get myself together for the next leg of my crazy journey.

I don’t know the hows of anything at this point, but first thing’s first: resetting my intentions. Again. Because, as I’ve said before: This changing-your-life thing? It ain’t for the faint of heart…

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