I Got Sunshine in a Bag

Weight gain. Nobody likes to talk about it. Noone wants to even acknowledge it unless for the purpose of bringing on a compliment – which I have zero judgment about, by the way – we all need a win, right? But y’all know me. I’m a shameless verbal vomiter when it comes to what I’m going through and putting on a few pounds just ain’t no different.

That said, when I broach the topic, others believe it is their duty to suggest one or both of two things: 1.) “You’ve gained weight?? (Feign shock.) Where are you putting those pounds, I can’t even tell!” ; or B.) “Oh, really? (Feign support.) But you still look great!” I guess I can’t deny I’ve been on that side of things, offering positivity to a friend. But for my part? I’m usually working on a joke at my own expense.

The truth is? I’m just done with the whole self-shaming thing, dammit. This monkey has clung to my back since I was an insecure teenager, as I sought ways to stabalize my weight by purging, and later in life, starving. This animal nested within me for years, ever there in my self-esteem and rising up to chatter in my ear often, reminding me of my failures as she combed through my hair for bugs. She continued her gaslighting, and I, convinced that what I saw in the mirror was all of ME, hated what I saw. And in each self-flagellation, my body was the whipping post, and the ghost in the machine, the whip. Yeah, I was a fucking mess.

But that? Was then. Today I find I weigh more than I have since 1997 and – surprise, surprise! – I’m happier than I’ve ever been. The one, of course, isn’t contingent upon the other, just happens to be where I’m at today – “fat & happy”, as the tee-shirt goes. (No, I don’t think I’m fat, FYI. But, yeah, I’m pretty fuckin’ happy.) And I think my friend Tami nailed it yesterday when she said that in my intention the last few months to be very focused on seeking – and finding! – beauty and joy around me? I’ve given very little attention to the pissed off primate. And the peace I’ve found? Far outweighs the pain that asshole has caused. Fuck, yeah. I totally dig that, and Ima take it.

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