A day late and a dollar short, as the saying goes. And while, yeah, I’m a day late, at least I’m no more poor than I was yesterday. Then again, I’m no more rich, either.
The day before sendoff I began the arduous chore of preparing all of my collective things – including my cat – to be crammed into my little Mini Cooper, Wilma. Downsizing from 642 square feet to 34 cubic feet means a whole hell of a lot of my stuff was donated. (I have no idea how to convert cubic feet to square feet – but have fun googling it if you choose.)
My main intention was to get out of town by 8 am the next day. Still, in spite of my grand plans, I found myself totally overwhelmed, struggling to focus on slimming down my final possessions to fit within Wilma’s small frame. So instead of struggling further, I pretty much did everything but prepare for my journey. And unsurprisingly, anxiety made a show, followed easily by distracti – SQUIRREL!
First of all, Animal Babies was on the tube – and I just could not tear myself away from those adorable tiny lions and elephants and bears – Oh my! Also, Trix wanted to play, and I’m always up for that – even when she bites my nose at 4 am to wrestle. And, okay, full disclosure: I also polished off a half empty pint of Sailor Jerry’s. But, at least it wasn’t a half full one. Perspective!
Sure, my ADD has been in stupid full swing the last several weeks as I untangle my life, shrink my belongings and run away toward a new reality – wherever that may be. But, the truth? The last week has found me quite comfortable here with my friends, allowing complacency to settle cozily back into my bones, and surprise! Fear of moving forward sat hard in my gut, and instead of pushing through it, I puttered around – and drank – to ignore the need to leave. Self sabotage much?
Recognizing unfavorable patterns of behavior about myself goes a long way in doling out a fat dose of humility. After all, I’m the one who shouted my intentions, loud and emphatic, puffing up my chest as a soldier with sword drawn, calling out my proclamation of freedom to anyone who might give a shit. This is what I want. Right?
YES. This is what I want. My existential clock is ticking – as are all of ours. True, I’m young to some – and older to others, and true, I’ve “got time”, as they say. But I’m ready to fully enjoy the walk I have on this big ol’ rock, and for me? That means walking it.
So, today I’m off. I set a goal to write a blog entry, and as soon as I hit the publish button, to GTFO. I’m reminding myself that fear is something I can expect to ride alongside me. The objective isn’t to squelch it entirely, but to acknowledge that it exists and why, and to keep going anyway. And with that? Later, Bitches!